The power of frames in dating

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A frame is how you sell yourself or how you come across. It is most common to use the word frame when you want to describe the underlying interaction between two people. Your thoughts and perspective often determine the frames. Some people call them inner frames – to point to the mental side of things. With rigid beliefs, you will act and speak accordingly. Another way to talk about frames is to use the word «appearance». How you appear and express yourself to people is often determined by your thoughts. Peoples impressions get formed because of your behaviour and their feelings about it.

Let’s look at a concrete example. Imagine a doctor not talking confidently or empathic to you. He then doesn’t live up to his role. It’s about convincing others indirectly about your reality. But, it is essential that the other people “buy” your perspective/frame or part – the thing you want to sell/shine trough. So the harder you believe in something, the better frame you have. That is why rigid people have a tight frame. They believe so much in their reality, that other people start to feel it too.

Frame, reality, confidence - The power of frames in dating

You have strong frame ties together with confidence! Believing in your skills, know you can do it. Or if you know something, regardings facts and knowledge, you be confident in your belief strengthen the perception that this is true. Having a durable frame reminds me of being stubborn. There are different types of frames.

Right now, my frame is that I am an experienced person and that I want to help and teach others. If people, believe it or not, can be determined by reading my other posts and see if what I write is “congruent”. In this example, the reader will make up their mind if the author has the experience and wants to help people. This is why the TRUTH is often a strong frame!

Congruence, truth, believe you, sell frame - The power of frames in dating

If you try to sell a frame or to take on a role that doesn’t fit you, other people won’t believe you. It will come off as tryhard or incongruent. Ever seen a kid in the neighbourhood who says he will kick your ass, and he is five years old? Or seen the guy who has this t-shirt where it says “I have sex on the first date!”? Both may try to convince people, but nobody else SHARES their perspective. Nobody “buys” their worldview or philosophy. In court or police interviews, it plays a significant role if you are «trustworthy» that you come off as a genuine person.

Every time somebody tells you, “If you say A you “come off” as B. If you say C you come off as D”, this “come off as” is a frame. Most of the frames of people are unconscious. A celebrity star will often have the frame that people adore them. People will pick up on the different frames people have, or choose to have. It is possible to sell a frame if you know what you are doing. The trick is to imagine you are that person you want to come off as. If you wish to have the frame of a ladies man, you have to be confident and charming. In this example, you cant be clumsy and insecure about yourself. So frames can both work and not work – as long as the other people believe your frame, it works.

Dress, good frames, jobs - The power of frames in dating

Thoughts, words, behaviour, and body language have to be congruent to sell a frame.  Job interviews are an example. The employers don’t doubt your CV if you have the right frame. Are you nervous and tense, then they might want to ask further about your history of jobs.

One technique to own a frame is to use a method that is called cognitive reframing. This is about to interpret what others say in a way that it best serve you. It could be used to, for example, reduce anxiety. It can help deal with social anxiety and assist you in all kind of social situations. Sometimes a person may be sarcastic to you. A reframe of it can be to say «thank you for the compliment». The frame here is that the other person is complimenting you and that you see this and thanks to it. It expresses confidence and a belief that people treat you well.

Cognitive reframing, complimant, confidence, treat you well - The power of frames in dating

In dating, reframing is a convenient tool. If a girl asks you «are you hitting on me?» You can ask her back. You don’t go out much, do you? Her frame was that you were hitting on her. And you reframed it to be something about her, that she has low social intelligence. If Someone Tries to frame you on a date, it is often a bad idea to try to defend yourself. The reason for this is that the other person can just lean back and judge what they think of you. It is almost always better to play the ball around. Give the focus on them. Make the other person defend.

As a guy, you don’t want to be evaluated. It is better to be the one judging or screening. All of this of cause happens very subtly. When you say you would like a partner that has quality Y and Z, you are putting yourself in a screening frame. The same goes for being the one defining things. Stating what is hot and not, puts you in a power position to be the one who describes. Learn more about the screening frame by reading this post:

6 comments on “The power of frames in dating

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